How often do we feel that we have failed, that we haven't lived up to our own, other's or God's expectation of ourselves, and that we have disqualified ourselves from being of any use to others or to God as a consequence? You may feel that constantly, or occasionally, or maybe regularly but fleetingly. But we all feel it at one time or another.
John's story about the unexpected post-resurrection breakfast on the beach of Lake Gallilee is one of my favourite stories of an encounter with Jesus - there are so many things going on in this story, so many nuances and details that you could write a whole book just about these few verses - and I have no doubt someone somewhere already has!
Trying to get back to normal life, those disciples who came from a fishing background had gone back home to their old business, and were out fishing in the pre-dawn cool, when the fish were usually nearer the surface and easier to catch. Only today they weren't having much luck - the fish just weren't 'biting'. Then an oddly familiar figure on the shore encourages them to try on the other side of the boat - a request that must have rung a few bells, because when the huge trawl of 153 fish comes in, John immediately realises it is Jesus, and the ever impetuous Peter pulls on his clothes and plunges in to swim and wade to shore.
Smell is amazing in its ability to trigger memory, and I am told that charcoal fires have a very distinctive smell. The last time Peter stood around a charcoal fire it was in the courtyard of the High Priest's house in Jerusalem the night Jesus was arrested a few days earlier. The darkest night of Peter's life, when a quick succession of serving girls and others recognised him by face and accent as one of Jesus' disciples - and where in fear of his life he had denied that he even knew his master and best friend. I wonder if that was in Jesus' mind as he cooked his breakfast over such a fire, triggering that recent, painful memory in Peter.
So, over a familiar fisherman's breakfast, Jesus spends time in with his old friends in a way that was so ordinary and normal it must have been hard for them to reconcile it with the amazing and awful events of the last week. Indeed, they really don't know what to say. While he bids them come and bring their fish to share in his breakfast, it seems he already had enough fish and bread there to feed all of them - he had come well prepared. He did not need their fish, but encouraged them to share with him anyway - it was a meeting of friends, peers, brothers, not a wealthy master sharing his favours with his poor servants.
Then Peter and Jesus go for a post breakfast stroll along the lake with young John in tow behind them - what Jesus has to say is for Peter alone. I doubt Peter had, at this point anyway, shared with his fellow disciples his shame in disowning Jesus. I am sure that they were all probably feeling some of sense of having let their master down in his hour of greatest need. However, Jesus had no interest in humiliating Peter in front of his friends. Even so he asks three times if Peter loves him, and three times Peter affirms that he does, and three times Jesus commissions Peter to go and feed and care for his sheep - meaning his church, his people. Three questions, three affirmations and three commissions to balance Peter's three denials. Jesus did not revisit what had gone before, he didn't turn it into a time for soul searching - he gave Peter a job to do. Despite letting Jesus down badly, Jesus was giving him another chance. Follow the story of Peter in Acts and the letters of Paul and you'll see he managed to blow his second and third chances as well, but each time God gave him another chance.
We set ourselves high standards - we have to, we are professionals on whom patients and colleagues rely. If we get it wrong, people suffer or even die. But even then, sometimes we get it wrong, and have to learn from our errors to do better next time. As Christians we also want to be good examples - to show our colleagues and patients the love and character of Jesus in our attitudes, speech and actions, but sometimes we blow it - getting cross and short with people, back biting, or failing to show care because we are under pressure of time or targets. Someone says 'call yourself a Christian?' after we say or do something in an ill judged moment, and we feel a huge sense of failure.
But Jesus isn't into making people feel bad, or wallowing in introspection and self-analysis. He has a kingdom to build, and in the example of Peter we can see the sort of people he is building it with - people to make mistakes, who deny him when they are scared, who misunderstand his teaching or misapply it, but who love him and want to follow him despite (and maybe especially BECAUSE) of our failings. He is not in the business of using perfect people, he is in the business of transforming sinners into his people and through us building his kingdom. That is a hard process, a slow process, but he does not give up on us, so we need to not give up on him.
